yeah! i am back.
took some time off to get used to my job, working with adults with traumatic brain injuries, to get over morning sickness that lasted a good 6 weeks or more, and to move again from one side of the duplex to another. a few other major things happened too during my absence from blogger. a good friend of mine lost his battle to brain cancer in mid-october. i don't want to say much about that because i would hate to put his girlfriend, also a very good friend, in the spotlight like that, but carl and i went out to visit him over Labor day weekend. We expected to see him at his worst but he was actually the same old guy we had said bye to in california back in the end of March. He was too tired to spend much time with us but other than that he was his same self and at that time his doctors had been telling him that he had days to live but he survived for one more month. i believe its becasue he didn't want to leave his girlfriend too soon.
i have a lot to write but i will do that later. for now i just want to add this letter i wrote myself back when i first found out i was pregnant but too scared to tell the world yet.

It may be awhile until I publish this on my blog but I wanted to capture the essence of this feeling while at its strongest. I am pregnant. Well, as long as the Target brand pregnancy tests are accurate, as well as the tenderness of my breasts, and inability to eat much because of the constant feeling that I am going to throw-up; as long as those things are accurate, I am pregnant.
I cannot believe the nausea. It’s not morning sickness; it’s day and night sickness. Last Tuesday Carl came home from his poker game around 11 pm and when I heard him I woke up and just felt sick to my stomach. I curled up into a fetal position and went back to sleep because at least than I wouldn’t have to think about throwing up.
This feeling has only been with me for a week. At first I thought it was something I ate because although Carl and I are trying, I refused to believe that I could be pregnant. No way, I thought because I had not had a real period since I stopped my birth control three months ago. My body was being wacky so this was just another result of the hormones adjusting. I thought. I also thought it had a lot to do with the ice cream I had for dinner two Fridays ago, than I had greasy popcorn at a movie later that night, well morning. It was at a 3 am movie. That was another thing I thought it could be. I thought that because I had interrupted my normal sleep cycle to watch a movie at 3 in the morning my body was fighting to get back to normal. I thought it was everything except the obvious.
At for the constant breast tenderness? I figured it was a hormone thing too and only when it lasted over a week + the nausea did I think that perhaps I should get a pregnancy test.
Carl is excited but we are worried too because we are in the middle of painting the house, we have been using a lot of chemicals to take down wallpaper, and I got my hair permed two days ago. I have been exposing myself to so many chemicals that although its early, very early, we hope I haven’t exposed my self to too much and already put the child at huge risk.
So as soon as we got the results from the test last night, and again this morning to make sure, we decided that I have better be more careful. Right now I have closed my self off in a room away from the painting although I am going to be heading outside in a moment because I can still smell the fumes.
Tracy is here helping Carl paint and I hope he doesn’t wonder why I am not helping out with the painting when only yesterday I said I would but much has changed overnight.

July 27, 2008 Sunday